cries

So yeah. I feel like crying right now. I don't know why. Maybe it's bcz I have this lonely feeling inside of me these days. It's really getting to me though.

I feel so lonely. Even though I'm in a house full of people, it feels like it's just me. I guess it's bcz everyone seems to have someone. Me? No. Of course not. I sound so emo. Hell, i feel so emo. School is just a big drag for me with that bitch for an english teacher and expectations everywhere.

I have an ancient history assessment tmrw and all i've done is written notes. I am definitely going to go well. I know that for sure. I just feel so stressed out but the thing is, there's not much to be so stressed out about. I guess that is another additional factor as to why I hate myself so much right now.

Another thing, I have never felt so dumb before. Everyone seems to be so naturally smart. Me? Everyone thinks me as smart. A nerd you can call it. No, I'm not. I just force myself to study so hard and practically pluck my brains out. I'm sick of it. I am so sick of it. People seem to glide through school with out a problem and still get the good marks. I struggle almost every day, I get good marks but if I let myself go. Everything is just fucked. Fucked. Fucked. Fucked. I can say that word endlessly right now but what help would that be?

Today was the first day back in coming to school. Everything's the same. Nothing's changed. The school is a bit different physically but that's about it.

And yet never have I felt so alone before. I think I'm gonna cry myself to sleep tonight again. I hate it. I hate it. I'm sick of it. So much envy within when i see people walk past me with a genuine smile on their faces. If you see me at school, you'd probably think I was wearing one too. Fooled you. And fooled everyone that knows me. Mum, Dad, Sister, brothers. Fooled you all. Friends, strangers who don't even know me. Hah. Fooled you too.

I feel like such a failure. Why am I the one with the thick legs, the big head, the dumb thing you call a brain? Why? I feel so shit. I know there are other people out there suffering 10000 times more than I am. So why? Why do you let other people get on with their lives with out a worry in the world and give people the crap that is so unevenly shared? Hah. So why?

So emo. I know. And no it's not that time of the month. I just feel so alone. I don't know why. I don't know why. Am I too spoilt? Am I too selfish? Am I too self-centred? I know I am but I can;t help this feeling. It's there. Always floating in and around me. Everywhere. And just when nobody's there, it shows. It shows. It consumes me. It consumes me to the point where I just feel like a wasted piece of meat. And the fact that i feel this way with out some REAL problem in life, is what pisses me off. But as I have already said. I can't help it. I just feel so alone. It feels cold. No warmth. No sun. Nothing. Even the night sky is accompanied with the moon and the stars. I have no one. No one I can just be with. No one I can just be myself with when ever I want.

It feels cold. it feels lonely.

Emo much?